I feel compelled to write you this letter because it is time for me to lay out my feelings in a clear and concise manner so you can better understand where I stand on certain issues. Your attention to these issues and a promise to change your ways (or at least try) will go a long way towards endearing you to me and perhaps ingratiating yourself even more into our lives.
When I first met you five short months ago, I was truly swept away by how cute you were. From your inquisitive nature down to the downy bit of white on your chest and ahem, down there. I even found being stalked kind of sweet, in a needy little boy kind of way. Indeed it is the moments of calm collectedness that I tend to reflect on when I am compelled to share the status of our relationship with the few acquaintances who know of your existence. Those early days were, indeed, wonderful. But I must confess, that since you have further infiltrated my life, there are some moderately annoying behaviours that I feel should be curtailed before I commit any further.
1. While I acknowledge that every man is a warrior at heart, there are some expressions of innate male aggressiveness that drive me further from the potentially deep bond I feel we could share. Darling, you are indeed a hunter of great stealth and ability. However, waking me up at 2 a.m. to play "Predator & Prey" after a long day of work/child care/housecleaning/knitting places you in dangerous territory indeed. Please understand that there is time for sleep and time for fun and it is important to read the not so subtle signs that your play partner may not be in the mood.
2. Thank you. I think I'm a pretty good cook too. And I do truly enjoy that fact that you like food and enjoy eating. So do I. However there are boundaries that must be respected. One rule you may wish to become familiar with is the one where the "food on my plate is mine." Stealing food really isn't necessary. While I am aware that your past may dictate some degree of obsession with ensuring food is always available (and you may wish to consider some counselling to deal with these sort of things although I don't think your kind does counselling) - but you need to learn to trust that I can, and will, provide more than ample and nutritient-dense food to satisfy your needs.
3. Sometimes you must learn when enough is enough. I do understand "getting carried away" and maybe you become so involved in what you are doing that you forget that your behaviour affects others. I have tried a number of communications methods to break through the barriers to achieve more able listening on your part -- including yelling, quietly asking for your attention or ignorning behaviours. If it would help here is an example. Sometimes girlfriends just want to hang out quietly. Jumping up and down in front of them and be generally boorish is not going to get you what you want. Honestly, know that if my friends don't like you, it will be difficult for us to continue our relationship.
4. Please try to find a balance between the aggression and goofiness (above) and total neediness. I can love you better if you lie beside me instead of on top of me. Especially on hot summer days. Or right on my chest. I'm just saying. Also, sometimes the continual nagging for affection is just plain irritating. Frankly, your nose is cold and I don't particularly like it in my face ALL the time.
5. Toilet paper. I can't believe I have been driven to the point where I need to raise an issue around toilet paper. But this was truly the almost final straw. And why did all the toilet paper have to be on the floor? Your timely attention to this matter and response are recommended.
And so, dear heart, this letter. My last, heartfelt plea that maybe, just maybe, we can reconcile our differences.
But in case we can't...you should know that the vet appointment for your neutering?
It's on Tuesday.