Apologies for the long convoluted post…but its been an interesting couple of days and I really need to tease out the confused mess in my mind.
Here's what happened.
Friday 4 pm…I run into the BOYFRIEND – not the first boyfriend or even the last boyfriend. But THAT boyfriend. The one every woman is destined to remember forever. The one you first trusted enough to share your most vulnerable experience.
Yeah. THAT one.
And his wife. Who works for the same department as me. And who seems to be very very nice.
So its been 20 years and he looks exactly the same…not bald, not soft, the same piercing blue eyes…and he says “You look great” and I want to laugh because I have a zit on my chin, a red nose (allergy season) and about 50 more pounds, a separation, 2 kids, 3 cats and spinning wheel in the back of my mind.
And while I don’t want to be with him (I broke it up for reasons I no longer remember except I was miserable and too young to be in a relationship) I landed in a spiral of thoughts and feelings that made my insecure twenties look like a cakewalk. Persona Girl reared her ugly head…my droopy baby-sack tummy was the only thing I could feel on my body for two days…and I re-grieved everything I didn’t get to have, including a husband to pick me up from work and tell me I rock and all that. I grieved the perfect life I don’t have.
So today is my Perfection Diet Day 1.
Now I know you are wondering…what the hell is she typing about?
I have always suffered from “all or nothing” syndrome. I’m either being perfectly good, or, to my mind, completely bad. For example…I can go for months sticking to my perfect low carb diet and working out regularly. But one tiny muffin can begin a spiral that ends with me regaining all the weight I’ve lost, a re-acquaintance between my couch and my ass that ends with my ass getting bigger and my couch getting softer…and the feeling that I’ve completely failed yet again.
Today, I went for a run for the first time in over a year. (By the way, knitting and spinning do not – imagine my shock – count as cardio…a fact that was VERY evident as I wheezed through a minute of running)
And then I went to work.
And I bought my usual coffee and added cream and sugar and got a sugar and fat-filled blueberry muffin for breakfast.
And I am struggling to realize that even though I am eating what I normally eat every day, I am still further ahead…by a lot.
I figure that if we can easily become desensitized to violence…I can become desensitized to imperfection.
I’m not sure how this all connects with running to the BOYFRIEND but I think it has to do with not being persona girl (who would never gain an ounce because she LOVES running and thinks muffins are kind of gross anyway)…and about trying to find a balanced place where I can be good and bad and do away with those labels entirely in the first place.
It occurs to me that it is odd that for most people, taking baby steps is easier and for me it’s a struggle.
Either way…I ran and I ate and I’m okay with it for now. Mind you, its only 8:30 a.m. It could be a very long day.