...and she is a laundry basket bursting with clothes that are too small.
I have battled my weight since I was a teenager. There were some early messages that made me aware that I wasn't ever quite thin enough. First, continuous awareness of how I looked started in ballet class where your life is ruled by the image in the mirror and the opinion of one "Madame" or another. Then the high school gym teacher who told my mother that I was likely going to have weight problems (I looked FINE at the time...I was 14). After that, at some point in high school, my mom started doing Weight Watchers and encouraged me to go along...I still LOOKED FINE AT THE TIME.
But food is an issue...no doubt about it. I have few addictions to own up to besides fiber. But I have big problems with anything that has that fat/sugar/flour mixture in it.
Last year I lost a bit but gradually gained it all back...AGAIN. My trust in ever being able to change "for good" is gone. Sherrie (therapist extraordinaire) says that its the starting that's important. So that's kind of my mantra...I'm still just starting...ALL THE TIME.
In the meantime - I have to let go of some of the wierder ideas I apparently have in my head -- like I have to be perfect (Persona Girl...go away!) and stick to healthy eating and exercise all the time and basically turn into that popular girl in high school we all love to hate. I also have to let go of blaming the men in my life for the state of my body. This time, the weight gain was done in absence of a partner.
It is amazing the effect being uncomfortable with my weight has on me: I don't look at myself in the mirror below the neck. This requires a lot of energy since my bathroom has one of those wall sized mirrors in it.
I don't look at men because I'm afraid if they look at me they might think I'm fat. I suppose this is an odd kind of "ostrich" coping mechanism but it leads to the next realization...my inability to make change in this area of my life is directly related to my desire to be "out" - out of the house, out in public, out looking for a relationship.
Anyway - so today is the fourth day I've started...wish me luck
OH...and I'm also on a yarn and budget diet too.
Next time...a finished object!!!!!