Friday, August 25, 2006

I've met my muse...

...and she is a laundry basket bursting with clothes that are too small.

I have battled my weight since I was a teenager. There were some early messages that made me aware that I wasn't ever quite thin enough. First, continuous awareness of how I looked started in ballet class where your life is ruled by the image in the mirror and the opinion of one "Madame" or another. Then the high school gym teacher who told my mother that I was likely going to have weight problems (I looked FINE at the time...I was 14). After that, at some point in high school, my mom started doing Weight Watchers and encouraged me to go along...I still LOOKED FINE AT THE TIME.

But food is an issue...no doubt about it. I have few addictions to own up to besides fiber. But I have big problems with anything that has that fat/sugar/flour mixture in it.

Last year I lost a bit but gradually gained it all back...AGAIN. My trust in ever being able to change "for good" is gone. Sherrie (therapist extraordinaire) says that its the starting that's important. So that's kind of my mantra...I'm still just starting...ALL THE TIME.

In the meantime - I have to let go of some of the wierder ideas I apparently have in my head -- like I have to be perfect (Persona Girl...go away!) and stick to healthy eating and exercise all the time and basically turn into that popular girl in high school we all love to hate. I also have to let go of blaming the men in my life for the state of my body. This time, the weight gain was done in absence of a partner.

It is amazing the effect being uncomfortable with my weight has on me: I don't look at myself in the mirror below the neck. This requires a lot of energy since my bathroom has one of those wall sized mirrors in it.

I don't look at men because I'm afraid if they look at me they might think I'm fat. I suppose this is an odd kind of "ostrich" coping mechanism but it leads to the next realization...my inability to make change in this area of my life is directly related to my desire to be "out" - out of the house, out in public, out looking for a relationship.

Anyway - so today is the fourth day I've started...wish me luck

OH...and I'm also on a yarn and budget diet too.

Next time...a finished object!!!!!

4 comments:

morgan said...

I completely and totally understand where you are coming from. My problem is that I am literally "addicted" to food. Where sometimes I don't have any control over what I am consuming (or at least it feels that way).

I too am working on it. Right now its the focus on water and healthy eating 98% of the time!!! Keep on starting ... and if you ever need a buddy email me!

stitch-dom said...

Thanks Morgan! (for dropping in and commenting too)...I'm doing better today...yesterday was a bit of a whine. Today I'm a bit more motivated and focussed. I can avoid the addiction if I keep away from the triggers...but that sounds SO much easier than it is as I'm sure you know. Especially with kids in the house who I don't believe in depriving. My parents never had sweet stuff in the house...and now I can't get enough! Of course there's more to it than that...I think its about 25% psychology and the rest is a strong physiological drive...

Moi in Vancouver said...

I like your idea of starting every day. But of course, I don't have that problem ;) Ahhh, to be Terry. Do you know I don't think he's gained more than 5 pounds since he reached his "healthy" weight. Is it okay if I hate him?

I'm here for ya!

stitch-dom said...

I'll hate him too if you want!? Cause I'm generous that way, ya know. Thanks luv. I don't know if its the sudden preponderance of vegetables in my diet...but I have the biggest frigging canker sore right now.

Bitch! Whine! Moan!