Sunday, August 27, 2006

Blogger do you love me?

Fingers crossed...

Et voila! Overspun navajo ply attempt

Socks started again:

Other updates:

Shadow survived his neutering and seems none the worse for wear. However his interest in the destruction of toilet paper continues unabated. Grit teeth and repeat after me: I will not kill the creature for he is only behaving as nature intended, and his brain is the size of a walnut.

My sister came to visit and chat yesterday. We have a close/not close relationship if that makes any sense whatsoever? We don't see much of each other and do not rely on one another for support but we still get along. This is a HUGE improvement from our childhood. She is five years younger than me, was adopted at 6 months and has stuggled with school and work her whole life. By comparison, my life must kind of look like a fairy tale to her and issues of jealousy have always been around: either her feeling like I got everything I wanted (being a "good girl" seems to have that benefit) and I always felt that I needed to be good to offset her behaviour or even that I was asked to reject the parts of me that she was good at so she didn't have to be in my shadow.

Since we've entered our 30's things have improved. B is in counselling and seems to be getting her life more together than ever and in some ways it is a pleasure to see her growing up and not blaming other people for every problem anymore. It is easier now to enjoy her for who she is and begin to forgive her for being so abusive to both me and my mom when she was a child.

Because I didn't come from a family where there was abuse, that might seem a bit odd...but B has a big personality and even at a young age she kind of "ran the emotional atmosphere at home." She would be sweet as anything and then suddenly turn on me...wanting to make me scream in anger. I can still remember the desire to beat her to death when she would make me furious and then get that little triumphant smile on her face.

I am still processing much of what her impact on my childhood really was. I know it has an effect on my relationship with Madeline and it is a struggle not to go to that anxious-angry place when she pushes me to my limit. What she does not realize is that my threshold for her anger and button-pushing is lower because of B. This makes me so very sad because it is not Madeline's fault or responsibility...and yet she bears the result. A mother who loses it because that out of control feeling is unbearable. The desire to have things calm and serene after a childhood of family arguments, ruined vacations and wrecked outings is very strong.

I just want things to be good. So why do I feel like fighting is a logical way to make that happen?

Perhaps this is why knitting and spinning have become so important...the repetition of the motion, the zen-like feeling, the creation of something useable and good. Sometimes I encounter something that makes me want to scream. But mostly its just therapy in a ball of yarn and some sticks.

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