Wednesday, August 2, 2006

#(*&^%%@

Irrational late night stream of consciousness:

1. My nose, ears and throat are REALLY itchy which means that all the heat and humidity has caused something to blossom that I am allergic to. I'm not generally a big fan of summer anyway -- this kind of solidifies the feeling into raging hatred.

2. I'm caught up in one of those horrid email exchanges that has everyone tiptoeing around each other and generally makes my heart want to explode. It makes me want to just HIDE somewhere.

3. Add to 2 above that I totally forgot to take my drugs today. So my chemical coping mechanism isn't 100%

4. My money situation is relatively desperate. I need to stop watching "Til Debt Do Us Part" because it is interfering with my denial.

5. I am not at a happy place with my body. I haven't actually looked at my body in the mirror in months. I see my face in parts - eyebrows if I'm plucking them, teeth if I am brushing them, etc. This sense of being unwhole - outside of myself - is so very disconnecting. And yet I have lost and regained the same weight so many times that I longer trust anything about myself, my will or my ability to succeed. And worst of all is that this is the first weight gain that is entirely my own fault - they all were really, but I always conveniently had a relationship to blame.

6. My house is a disaster...so I have NO sanctuary.

7. And how terribly lonely this all is. I have friends and family who can say "its okay, we still love you" but there is no one out there sharing this with me - taking some responsibility for taking out the garbage, paying the bills, making it to work every morning, getting the right foods into us all at the right times. Somehow this would be so much more bearable if only I could lean ever so slightly to the right and feel another shoulder there pressing back to hold me up too.

Whoa - sorry for the downer! Fortunately for us all I go back to therapy in the morning.

Update: Thank you for tolerating this maudlin vent session...I think I might be able to sleep now.

1 comment:

moi in Vancouver said...

Hope you got some sleep! i can imagine what you mean. i can't believe how terribly codepentant i have become and i can't imagine what i would do without T. i can only assume i would feel exactly the same way. if i were there i would send him over to do that :) i hope the heat and humidity breaks soon!