Monday, July 14, 2008

Rampant Fibre Abuse Reported

Advocacy group seeks regulations to protect innocent victims

July 12, 2008 - OTTAWA - For immediate release

Police are reporting that they are investigating reports of citizens impaling fibre, raising concerns that fibre abuse is becoming an increasingly frequent phenomenon locally. City police spokesperson, Staff Sargeant Wanda Wools, describes the incidents as "shocking and bizarre."

"We haven't seen anything like this in years," she said. "The tools used to force the fibre to submit to the will of the perpetrator can only be described as medieval."

Allegedly, on the morning of July 11th, over four ounces of superwash merino were mercilessly beaten against sharp stakes, forced through a small space, and roughly pulled into pieces.

"It was entirely consensual," explained Lisa F*. "The superwash had misbehaved and asked to be lashed. All parties knew it was necessary. The merino hadn't lived up its part of the bargain. I had to step in with disciplinary measures. I promise you that the results were well worth it and the merino is happy and safe."

The merino could not be reached for comment. Representatives explained that it was too wrapped up to speak to the press and hopes to issue a statement once everything has spun out.

Dolores Van Hoofen of the Fibertarian Party was unavailable for comment so the policy position of the party are still unknown.

Sheep for Better Living Through Cruelty-Free Fiber has already contacted the Minister for Public Safety to see if he is willing to add new regulations to the Criminal Code of Canada outlawing the use of combs and hackles in the processing of fiber.

"We work hard to grow the fleece and we feel we should have a say in how its treated after shearing," said SBLTCFF spokes-sheep Maaaa Romney at a press conference earlier today. "We may not be wearing it anymore, but the caring doesn't stop just because the wool has left the barn."

- 30 -

So - superwash merino went from frumpy to fabulous thanks to my new hackles...
Here is the lashed (video here to see how violent this is) fibre being drawn through the diz.

Lovely combed roving for spinning.

After all the frustration it was very very enjoyable smacking the merino onto the sharp pointy stakes. I totally get how Vlad the Impaler may have derived some sick satisfaction out of impaling the people who pissed him off.

Thanks everyone for posting comments on Leanne's blog - I don't know status at the moment but am planning to find out later today.

Oh and Amy Singer hearted my etsy shop...squeeeeee!!!!!!!!


bockstark.knits said...

HA! What a cute post! Was there a link to a video? Or maybe I understood it wrong. The combs really make it look luscious!

Chriss said...

Great post! The fibre did indeed turn out fabulous. Perhaps you should be thanking it for the workout and the end result?

Now you are going to have to dye some silk or cotton so that Amy can buy something from you.

Lisa said...

Whoops - totally forgot the video link - added it back in now!

In the meantime,here it is:


emily said...

you are too funny! i'm glad it all worked out for the best!

betseydoodle said...

ha ha!

Marie said...

Ooh, the Merino fiber looks so pretty and lofty. The ends justify the means.

And Congrats on getting hearted by Amy Singer. Wow!

Susan said...

For the sake of the pretty, pretty fiber, I will overlook the cruel yet somewhat exciting descriptions of fiber torture. :)

Five Ferns Fibreholic said...

What people don't realize is that some times these thing are necessary.

Amy Singer????? that's like the Harlot posting a comment on your blog.