My marriage ended about 5.5 years ago after 11 years of being together. I can only describe the time before I met K (BK) and after (AK) as times of desperation – wanting to have a relationship, believing with all my heart that love was out there etc etc. And while I was married I always felt there could be something more or better than what I had. After a 2.5 year relationship (call it a rebound that last WAY too long if you like) I’ve now been on my own and not really looking for about 2 years.
The thing is…I like it.
For most this would be enough. As in “I’m here and I’m happy – don’t question it.” If you know me however, this kind of staying still is not in my nature. I don’t exactly excel at living in the moment. In the past, looking for something “more” or looking to the future meant a relationship and somehow everything else – the job, the house, the extras that make life what it is – would just…well…follow. So for well over a year I have not, for the first time in over 25 years, been looking for “love.”
Lots of reasons for this have filtered through my head:
- I don’t want to compromise with someone
- I don’t want to deal with someone else’s baggage/crap/opinions/judgements
- I am not particularly loveable (more of a premenstrual opinion)
- I am not at my best in a relationship
- Sex is messy and I don’t want to deal with it right now
- I don’t want to have to live up to someone else’s expectations
Not that these really matter, because what I realize is that the absence of the Relationship Goal has left a void that I don’t know how to fill. I don’t know how to live if I am not looking for that thing.
So instead, I obsess about why I don’t want it. I try to decide if not wanting it is healthy. I try to decide if I don’t want it because I am broken. I try to figure out if I have become either a) a lesbian or b) asexual or c) monosexual. I suspect that c is the most likely but think that expecting to live the rest of my life without sex with another person is a bit ludicrous.
I realize I had so much invested in this great search that without it I am at a bit of a loss when it comes to envisioning the future.
So if you have any suggestions for how to replace desire and passion for another person with desire and passion for yarn, and still be able to make mortgage payments, I’d be happy to consider any and all options.