Thursday, October 19, 2006

Birthday Thursday

Today the divine Miss M turns an amazing nine years old! I didn’t ever think I’d get here. Raising her has been the most humbling and challenging thing I have ever done. Madeline has not been easy – she is fiercely intelligent (WAY smarter than me – shhhh! Don’t tell her though), not afraid of conflict (especially with me), capable of incredible sweetness and caring, needy, and emotional.

Now some bloggers take the opportunity to celebrate their child. Not me.

Why? My darling daughter will be celebrated in five separate times (last night at supper, her actual birthday today, birthday with her dad and family Friday, kid party on Saturday and my family on Sunday). You know…almost makes me wish my parents had split!

But really…this is my space and I’m going to jealously guard my right to subject any poor passer-bys to some stream of consciousness outpourings about being a mother in general, and being Madeline’s mother in particular. So here is some rambling/memories good and bad/general nonsense.

1. When Madeline was about three months old I left her lying on a blanket in the living room. When I walked back in, I was suddenly overwhelmed with this “what if” feeling: Namely, what if I casually stepped on her neck, and then walked out and never came back. It was as if my mind reached out to see if this was something I was capable of…was I feeling so trapped and desperate and unhappy that I was willing to do something so awful? Luckily for all of us, the answer was obviously no! But since I am, as a general rule a fairly sane and kind individual who had looked forward to being a parent and wanted this child so bad…I can only wonder how many mothers out there have entertained this type of fantasy even for a second?

2. I have a good friend who has known Madeline and I since she was an infant. Her contention is that Madeline was not happy to be under five. I have to agree…it was as if her body finally caught up to her brain and she became more content.

3. As a toddler, Madeline favourite “funny face” was ANGRY face. Doesn’t this kind of say it all?

4. Madeline is far more stubborn (wait, I think I’m supposed to use the more non-judgmental “persistent” – but hey, its MY blog) than I. I just hope she will be stubbornly advocating for me in my old age.

5. I am terrified about her adolescence. ‘nough said.

6. Madeline has taught me a lot about myself: I can have a very short fuse. I am not, nor will I ever be, supermom. I hate cleaning up craft stuff. I prefer children who are QUIET. I do not have infinite patience but I do have more than I thought.

So dearest daughter…a happy day for both of us. Today is also the ninth anniversary of my becoming a mother – no small feat for either of us.


Renee said...

Your honesty about motherhood is refreshing. I can tell you love her to bits. We can still love 'em and not necessarily like 'em (or being moms) all the time, right?

Jeanne said...

Great post and Happy Birthday, Madeline! She sounds like an amazing kid....and as the parent of 2 teenagers and one recent teenager....having teenagers can be a bit of a drag. But it does has its benefits, so I suppose it all works out. But enjoy her being 9!