Monday, April 10, 2006

Lace, lacety lace lace...

The lovely trellis scarf is going much much better - perhaps 20 times is a charm? Perhaps it is because I am letting some mistakes go in the hopes that the mythical powers of blocking are every bit as magical as "they" say. I have my pins and I'll be ready when the time comes. Also, I have decided to accept that one end of the scarf is going to totally suck and my learning curve will be on display for all to see.

Adesia's Not Very Harlot Poncho is done except for fringe! It is very very cute and she's going to be very snug in it. Madeline modeled it for me to make sure the length would be good and she very nearly ran away from home with it on.

I originally drafted a really boring summary of my weekend (short version: had kids, Narnia, swimming lessons, biking, knitting, church, worked Sunday). I just couldn't do that to my quietly adoring fan club of...well...no one. I figure if I'm boring myself on my own blog its time to delete and try to make this more useful or meaningful.

What motivated me to start this was this sudden realization last week about p-g. In some ways its funny, I know. But in other ways, I realize that she has held me back. There is some part of me that has always felt like I'm not "enough" of everything - if I was a better person or smarter or more able I would be her. I seriously bought into the whole p-g mythology of who I should be striving to be. She's been with me for such a long time that she became more important than I was.

I think that last week was the first time that I gave her a persona - and turned her into an entity as opposed to a cluster of ideas about who I would be if I was to become "enough". And now that she is a thing I feel empowered to banish her forever.

Sounds good, yes? Except that having invested so much energy into wanting to be p-g, I've neglected to figure out who I am and what is terrifying is the idea that in her absence there will be nothing. So I ricochet back and forth between excited and horrified.

The whole thing has had some interesting side effects: I went kind of manic (and oh, started a blog?) but I'm also totally sensitive (had a crying fit at work on Friday - something I haven't done since I was high on pregnancy hormones).

I guess this feels like a huge turning point for me and I'm fighting my natural inclination to stress about "what this means for the future". I mean, P-G has her future mapped out, right? She'd know where she was going because she is goal oriented! She is organized!

Well. I'm. Not.

4 comments:

wanna-baa said...

I'm all for banishment of P-G. I would NEVER be friends with her, she would make me feel completely useless and alienated and we'd have absolutely nothing to talk about.

By the way, I may not be knitting yet but now you're making me want to Blog.

stitch-dom said...

you'd be an awesome blogger...its kind of like those notes we passed in high school...but out to the world instead!!!

Feral Dustbunny said...

Hey, all of us have a P-G, only most of us haven't gotten it nearly as organized in our heads ... yay for you, you're finding out who you are! (I didn't even begin to till I was pushing 50. Apparantly who I am still involves knitting, motorcycles and the military.)

stitch-dom said...

feral dustbunny - are you visiting my house? I only ask because it seems the cat hair is collecting itself together to make a new animal. ;-)

I agree that we all have an alter-ego and I guess how it affects you depends on how you let it influence who you are. I think if I was a more glass-is-half-full type, I'd see p-g as an inspiration. But seeing as how I'm not, she is something that allows me to keep re-affirming the "not good enough" thing. Oh man, that was NOT articulate. But hopefully you know what I mean.